I Want To Cry

You know what is completely sad?
I'm a grown man, and I want nothing more than to cry. I haven't cried since I was like...what 10?
But right now, God, so bad.
I dunno, I just feel like it's all jumped on top of me in the last five minutes.
Just had a long talk with someone about my terminal illness. Never really talked about it before, makes it seem real.
And you know what?
I don't want to die.
I don't care that it sounds childish and selfish and loads of other shit that ends in ish, but it's true.
I really don't.
I'm scared. I am so, so, so scared. Because I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know if it's going to be okay and the thought terrifies me.
The more I think about it, the more I want to break down and smash things and yell and cry until I feel better.
I mean, why me? What did I do? I'm 18 years old and I won't live to see my 21st birthday.
And do you know makes me sad about that?
I will never drive a truck.
Have to be 21 to learn to drive a big truck over here, and I'll never get to do that.
Or have a family, never have a family, that's sad. Or a decent job. Geez, my grandparents are going to outlive with me. That is just simply fucked, my friends.
I want to cry and my other alternative doesn't bear thinking about cos I don't want to go back down the rocky road of self-mutilation.
But man, it's tempting.