Eternity Is A Very Long Time

Wow, it sure has been a while since I wrote in this thing.
Let's look back over my life since the *checks* 12 December because I'm sure it's vitally important to someone somewhere that I'm doing okay.
Okay...doodoodoo...well, let's start with the bad.
My girlfriend cheated on me and has now left me for the other bloke. But that's okay, cos I don't want to be with someone who's cheated on me anyway. Well, I mean it's not okay okay. You know? This is the third girl that's cheated on me recently. What's that saying about me, right? Just stay away from me females, I'm obviously not worth it when it comes to relationships.
I hacked at my arm pretty bad the other day. Haven't cut in a while, since the suicide attempt. But yeah, I was pretty down. And now it's sore and is pretty much a mess. I regret it now.
Darren's having a really awful spell. He's in a lot of pain. I hate seeing him this way. And I'm scared for him.
Something's up with Pip; she's real distant lately. And her emotions are all over the place, she's like a flipping yo-yo. Matt's worried too, so he's extra irritable.
But enough with the bad. Onto the good.
Christmas was pretty fun. Got some wicked CD's. A swear jaw that's already been emptied twice (thank you Mika for that gift lol). And some awesome books. I have fallen in love with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Seriously awesome.
And I do like having the family around. My shrew babies (cousins to be exact), 4 year old twins with ADHD Ed-Ken and Em-Rose. Gotta love em. And my Uncle David. He's pretty cool too. Liked having them around but I missed my friends; my mutated family.
New Years was goodtoo. Sean came round to wake me from my misery and we watched some fireworks outside, then stayed up playing cards with my sister and getting hammered. Sad but very fun.
I met the Doctor that got in contact with me before Christmas. His name is Carlisle (like from Twilight :o ). He's a nice man, but he's smart, I don't understand most of what he tells me. They're going to do my operation soon. End of February. Gonna open me up and tinker with my spine.
I'm really scared. They could blotch it and that'll be it. Instantaneous death. That'd suck. I'm terrified.
But if all goes well I won't hurt anymore and God I'm looking forward to that. Downside is; me and Daz will be wheelchair buddies. But it's worth it cos I'm in so much pain. I want it to stop now.
And then the clocks really ticking you know? After that it won't be long. It'll be what, Mid-March by the time I'm up to anything much and then the pressure is on. I'll have about a year and a half left on this earth.
I'm so so scared, can't put it into words. So typing it out for strangers to read will have to do.
I wish I'd been a better Christian when I was a kid, I wish I still was a Christian. Then maybe I'd have something to believe in, I could believe this will all be okay and it's all part of a plan. But I don't see a fucking plan here. All I know is I'll be dead very soon and then I don't know what's going to happen.
When I was younger I used to be scared shitless of dying cos I was worried that I'd be bored for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time to be dead for. I read in this book once, that eternity was as long as a single bird picking up a grain of dirt from a mountain every century and moving placing it down again on the otherside of the earth. And then repeating the process until the mountin was moved. And then doing the whole thing over again. That's a very long time. And that's how long I'll be dead for.
What if there's some judgement or something? I've not got a spotless record. I doubt I'd make it into heaven. Or I'll come back like reincarnation. And then die again, how pointless.
It's all just fucking pointless when you think about it.
I'm so scared.