Wow, it sure has been a while since I wrote in this thing.
Let's look back over my life since the *checks* 12 December because I'm sure it's vitally important to someone somewhere that I'm doing okay.
Okay...doodoodoo...well, let's start with the bad.
My girlfriend cheated on me and has now left me for the other bloke. But that's okay, cos I don't want to be with someone who's cheated on me anyway. Well, I mean it's not okay okay. You know? This is the third girl that's cheated on me recently. What's that saying about me, right? Just stay away from me females, I'm obviously not worth it when it comes to relationships.
I hacked at my arm pretty bad the other day. Haven't cut in a while, since the suicide attempt. But yeah, I was pretty down. And now it's sore and is pretty much a mess. I regret it now.
Darren's having a really awful spell. He's in a lot of pain. I hate seeing him this way. And I'm scared for him.
Something's up with Pip; she's real distant lately. And her emotions are all over the place, she's like a flipping yo-yo. Matt's worried too, so he's extra irritable.
But enough with the bad. Onto the good.
Christmas was pretty fun. Got some wicked CD's. A swear jaw that's already been emptied twice (thank you Mika for that gift lol). And some awesome books. I have fallen in love with the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Seriously awesome.
And I do like having the family around. My shrew babies (cousins to be exact), 4 year old twins with ADHD Ed-Ken and Em-Rose. Gotta love em. And my Uncle David. He's pretty cool too. Liked having them around but I missed my friends; my mutated family.
New Years was goodtoo. Sean came round to wake me from my misery and we watched some fireworks outside, then stayed up playing cards with my sister and getting hammered. Sad but very fun.
I met the Doctor that got in contact with me before Christmas. His name is Carlisle (like from Twilight :o ). He's a nice man, but he's smart, I don't understand most of what he tells me. They're going to do my operation soon. End of February. Gonna open me up and tinker with my spine.
I'm really scared. They could blotch it and that'll be it. Instantaneous death. That'd suck. I'm terrified.
But if all goes well I won't hurt anymore and God I'm looking forward to that. Downside is; me and Daz will be wheelchair buddies. But it's worth it cos I'm in so much pain. I want it to stop now.
And then the clocks really ticking you know? After that it won't be long. It'll be what, Mid-March by the time I'm up to anything much and then the pressure is on. I'll have about a year and a half left on this earth.
I'm so so scared, can't put it into words. So typing it out for strangers to read will have to do.
I wish I'd been a better Christian when I was a kid, I wish I still was a Christian. Then maybe I'd have something to believe in, I could believe this will all be okay and it's all part of a plan. But I don't see a fucking plan here. All I know is I'll be dead very soon and then I don't know what's going to happen.
When I was younger I used to be scared shitless of dying cos I was worried that I'd be bored for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time to be dead for. I read in this book once, that eternity was as long as a single bird picking up a grain of dirt from a mountain every century and moving placing it down again on the otherside of the earth. And then repeating the process until the mountin was moved. And then doing the whole thing over again. That's a very long time. And that's how long I'll be dead for.
What if there's some judgement or something? I've not got a spotless record. I doubt I'd make it into heaven. Or I'll come back like reincarnation. And then die again, how pointless.
It's all just fucking pointless when you think about it.
I'm so scared.
Catch Up
Woof, haven't posted in a few days, so here's a quick catch up blog.
Sunday put the christmas lights up. Fun. Strangled Mika a bit. Hamster nearly fell of a ladder when he was putting lights on the roof. Great fun.
Monday, found pictures of Mika when he was like 15 in a photo box in the attic. He says he'll pay me to burn them. No such luck. There's one where he's like raping an elephant in a childrens park. Funny stuff.
Tuesday, went on school trip with my sisters school. Anyone heard of the clothes show? Massive market and fashion show thing, didn't look to be fun but surprisingly was. Got dragged shopping a couple of times, and refused point blanc to go into the actual fashion show but then Matt came out and he looked like...just whoa...and told me I had to go in there, so we went back in for another show and holy shit. Pole dancers. No lie.
Today, today has been the best day, seriously. I'm gonna be a god-dad. Uh-huh. When Hamster's daughter is born, Mika and I are god-dads. How cool is that? Aaaaaand, I felt her kick as well. Never felt a baby kick before. It's like...immense. Can't wait til she's born. Not long now. Her name was gonna be Grace, but they changed their minds, now her middle name is Grace. And her name is Rose. So she's gonna be Rose Field...lol. Great, huh? Rose Grace Field. Maybe Rosie. We'll see when she's born.
And now me and Sean are just getting like uber hyper and scaring the shit out of everyone.
It's not a bad life after all.
Sunday put the christmas lights up. Fun. Strangled Mika a bit. Hamster nearly fell of a ladder when he was putting lights on the roof. Great fun.
Monday, found pictures of Mika when he was like 15 in a photo box in the attic. He says he'll pay me to burn them. No such luck. There's one where he's like raping an elephant in a childrens park. Funny stuff.
Tuesday, went on school trip with my sisters school. Anyone heard of the clothes show? Massive market and fashion show thing, didn't look to be fun but surprisingly was. Got dragged shopping a couple of times, and refused point blanc to go into the actual fashion show but then Matt came out and he looked like...just whoa...and told me I had to go in there, so we went back in for another show and holy shit. Pole dancers. No lie.
Today, today has been the best day, seriously. I'm gonna be a god-dad. Uh-huh. When Hamster's daughter is born, Mika and I are god-dads. How cool is that? Aaaaaand, I felt her kick as well. Never felt a baby kick before. It's like...immense. Can't wait til she's born. Not long now. Her name was gonna be Grace, but they changed their minds, now her middle name is Grace. And her name is Rose. So she's gonna be Rose Field...lol. Great, huh? Rose Grace Field. Maybe Rosie. We'll see when she's born.
And now me and Sean are just getting like uber hyper and scaring the shit out of everyone.
It's not a bad life after all.
Fucking Shit Wanking Bollocks
What the title says.
I had a lumbar puncture today.
I fucking hate lumbar punctures.
And they took a load of blood as well.
Waiting for test results.
I might well be buggered already. I hope not. I'm not ready to die yet.
I had a lumbar puncture today.
I fucking hate lumbar punctures.
And they took a load of blood as well.
Waiting for test results.
I might well be buggered already. I hope not. I'm not ready to die yet.
Have I Got News For You!
No, actually.
I don't have news for you, but now you're reading this you might as well carry on.
Well, the rest of this week (since I last posted) has been pretty average. For my life anyway, which means a whole lot of tears and fighting. God I love being me. Please ignore the sarcasm.
Recall me mentioning my arm earlier? Yeah, it's buggered. Limited feeling and it's going to stay that way which marginally sucks. Okay, it really sort of sucks. But oh well, I've survived worse. And I can still play Super Mario with my left hand. Who needs a right hand anyway?
Not I, I say, not I.
Manyways, yesterday I escorted Madd's (as in Madison as in a little bit of Madison will clear that up right away, Sir...lol) to a play in the village hall. *nods solemnly* We actually came across as quite respectable until I parked the car and Mika ran straight into the door. lol. But yeah, met up with the guys and Dan (God I love that girl =D ) and went to see Matt and Pip's play. It was actually brilliant, seriously, they it was immensely good and I'm ever so proud of them. Little thespians. And I finally understand why Matt's been repeatedly stabbing people with blunt pencils and yelling "Stab stab...stabby stab stab!" for weeks. But yeah, they were epic.
A point of non-epicness now however. If any guys are reading this then they'll possibly know how hard it is to have to live with making your girlfriend cry. Guys of the planet earth, I am Mr guilt-trip! I really really hate this sometimes. I really hate dying. It fucks every aspect of your life right up, I swear to God. It's easy to pretend to be okay, it really is. But being in this position does not make me suddenly fearless or perfect or invincible or even capable of dealing with anything that I haven't been able to deal with before. I just have to pretend. I hate that.
And I hate that as soon as I let it be known to one person, just one fucking person, it causes mass breakdown. I really hate the "Please stop, for me," line. I can understand I mean, no one wants to think about a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/family member self harming but am I denied one coping mechanism? The only one I have left? But I do hate to see her cry. So I'm gonna try and stop. Proud of me?
Yeah, you should be.
And yet another point of complete un-epic-ness. If you happen to know us in real life, the next time you see Pip give her a big hug and tell her that you love her. Lord knows she needs that, she deserves that. And if you know Pip internet-wise then please God just mention that you love her anyway and give her a virtual hug and tell her she'll be okay.
It takes a lot to make that girl cry, but Mr Lyall fucking Dane has succeeded. Yep, that's right, if that name sounds familiar then she's obviously mentioned her quest for her birth father. He didn't turn out to be all that great. Or even semi-great at all.
For those of you who knew my mum, imagine a cross between her and the wicked witch of the west with a penis and there's Mr Lyall fucking Dane for you. I feel for Pip, I really do. So let her know that you love her.
*salutes*
And that's me done for today.
Bye-bye now.
I don't have news for you, but now you're reading this you might as well carry on.
Well, the rest of this week (since I last posted) has been pretty average. For my life anyway, which means a whole lot of tears and fighting. God I love being me. Please ignore the sarcasm.
Recall me mentioning my arm earlier? Yeah, it's buggered. Limited feeling and it's going to stay that way which marginally sucks. Okay, it really sort of sucks. But oh well, I've survived worse. And I can still play Super Mario with my left hand. Who needs a right hand anyway?
Not I, I say, not I.
Manyways, yesterday I escorted Madd's (as in Madison as in a little bit of Madison will clear that up right away, Sir...lol) to a play in the village hall. *nods solemnly* We actually came across as quite respectable until I parked the car and Mika ran straight into the door. lol. But yeah, met up with the guys and Dan (God I love that girl =D ) and went to see Matt and Pip's play. It was actually brilliant, seriously, they it was immensely good and I'm ever so proud of them. Little thespians. And I finally understand why Matt's been repeatedly stabbing people with blunt pencils and yelling "Stab stab...stabby stab stab!" for weeks. But yeah, they were epic.
A point of non-epicness now however. If any guys are reading this then they'll possibly know how hard it is to have to live with making your girlfriend cry. Guys of the planet earth, I am Mr guilt-trip! I really really hate this sometimes. I really hate dying. It fucks every aspect of your life right up, I swear to God. It's easy to pretend to be okay, it really is. But being in this position does not make me suddenly fearless or perfect or invincible or even capable of dealing with anything that I haven't been able to deal with before. I just have to pretend. I hate that.
And I hate that as soon as I let it be known to one person, just one fucking person, it causes mass breakdown. I really hate the "Please stop, for me," line. I can understand I mean, no one wants to think about a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/family member self harming but am I denied one coping mechanism? The only one I have left? But I do hate to see her cry. So I'm gonna try and stop. Proud of me?
Yeah, you should be.
And yet another point of complete un-epic-ness. If you happen to know us in real life, the next time you see Pip give her a big hug and tell her that you love her. Lord knows she needs that, she deserves that. And if you know Pip internet-wise then please God just mention that you love her anyway and give her a virtual hug and tell her she'll be okay.
It takes a lot to make that girl cry, but Mr Lyall fucking Dane has succeeded. Yep, that's right, if that name sounds familiar then she's obviously mentioned her quest for her birth father. He didn't turn out to be all that great. Or even semi-great at all.
For those of you who knew my mum, imagine a cross between her and the wicked witch of the west with a penis and there's Mr Lyall fucking Dane for you. I feel for Pip, I really do. So let her know that you love her.
*salutes*
And that's me done for today.
Bye-bye now.
Fucked Up
Geez, I fucked up.
I think I've done myself nerve damage. Can't feel my right forearm anymore.
It went all prickly, and then all the feeling just went altogether.
Oh well, I'm falling apart anyway I suppose, so no harm done.
Aaaaand, I fucked up at Mario Party 4 again today.
Peach beat me again.
That fucking whore.
I think I've done myself nerve damage. Can't feel my right forearm anymore.
It went all prickly, and then all the feeling just went altogether.
Oh well, I'm falling apart anyway I suppose, so no harm done.
Aaaaand, I fucked up at Mario Party 4 again today.
Peach beat me again.
That fucking whore.
Last Summer
And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye
And we all sit round here in our home town
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fade
Glowing embers lie across the sky
Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view through our last summer
The view from our last summer...
I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you
This song made me sad.
It always does.
But I thought I'd post it as I'm addicted to posting now.
It makes me think of my life. My life is...better than some peoples, I have great friends and great times and I never want to let them go but I'm going to have to. Sooner rather than later.
And I'd do anything, anything at all so that I could keep things like they are.
Always so hard to say goodbye
And we all sit round here in our home town
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fade
Glowing embers lie across the sky
Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view through our last summer
The view from our last summer...
I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you
This song made me sad.
It always does.
But I thought I'd post it as I'm addicted to posting now.
It makes me think of my life. My life is...better than some peoples, I have great friends and great times and I never want to let them go but I'm going to have to. Sooner rather than later.
And I'd do anything, anything at all so that I could keep things like they are.
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